From Taboo to Truth: Conversations that Create Closer Connections

Unlock deeper connections with your partner, friends, family and wider community by opening the Box of Taboos through courageous, judgment-free conversations on sex and sexuality.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

What if the keys to unlocking your closest connections with people have actually been taboo topics? As social norms evolve, we stand at the precipice of a new era of intimacy. One where sexuality expands beyond the traditional confines of monogamy and gender. Where sensuality intertwines with silicon, and pleasure reigns freely across the spectrum of consensual human connection.

But to cross this threshold, we will need to open the Box of Taboos. Taboos that for too long have been relegated to hushed whispers behind closed doors — if they have been played with at all.

The Game of Taboos: A self-reflection

Speaking of playing, let’s play a little game. Before proceeding, grab a piece of paper and a pencil. Allocate yourself the specified number of points for each of the topic areas mentioned below if you’ve talked about them with your partner, friends, family, or within your broader community in the past six months.

In the last six months, you’ve discussed taboo topics like:

• Sexual needs, fantasies and desires — and how they evolve over our lifetimes. (3)
• Alternative or non-traditional relationship styles (including, for example, consensual non-monogamy, age-gap relationships, living apart together (LAT) relationships, asexual partnerships, companionate relationships, single and solo choices, friend bonds, among others) (3)
• Gender fluidity (1)
• Solo pleasuring (1)
• Hiring sex workers (1)
• Same-sex experimentation (among heteronormative folks) (1)
• Desire and flirtation as the spice of life and love (2)

Challenges like:

• Sexual dysfunction (1)
• Navigating attraction and desire with friends and partners (1)
• Past relationships and past sexual experiences (2)
• Past and current affairs/infidelity (2)
• Jealousy and insecurity (2)

Usage of:

• Pornography (1)
• Sex toys (1)
• AI and robot companions (2)

Practices such as:

• Kink (including, for example, anal sex, bondage and Dom/sub practices, among others) (3)
• Multi-partner sex (including sex clubs and parties) (2)

And finally, thought starters around things like why and when we should keep secrets … (1)

How did you do? What’s your number? It’s okay, you don’t have to share it. But if you feel like doing so in the comments, I’d love to hear it. If you’re about 15, you’re above average.👏

For the sake of destigmatising these topics, and connecting more with ourselves, our partners, our friends, our families and our communities, it’s time to bring these conversations out into the open.

Conscious Relationship Design (CRD) and its impact

Let’s rewind to a Conscious Relationship Design (CRD) conversation I held recently with Priya and Noah, a couple exploring ethical non-monogamy. Having felt restricted by societal expectations of fidelity, they turned to open dialogues and CRD to intentionally reimagine their partnership. “It wasn’t easy at first,” Priya admits. “There were a lot of insecurities to work through. But leaning into that vulnerability brought us closer than we’ve ever been.”

I’ve also had candid talks about intimacy ranging from solo pleasuring to hiring sex workers with friends and family across generations (can you guess my number from above? Yep, 30). And I’m not alone. People increasingly want to discuss these topics openly, to share relatable media, and open up these topics. This helps them feel less isolated, more human, and more loved.

Though occasionally awkward, these dialogues have forged deeper mutual understanding and bonds in my relationships with friends, colleagues and family. They’ve shown me that when we open up with empathy, we can transform relationships with romantic partners and communities alike.

Yet outdated cultural norms still discourage such openness, leaving many craving those connections.

That’s where CRD comes in. CRD provides a framework for co-creating ethical intimacy through open communication, radical self-awareness, and designing relationships that allow humans to thrive, regardless of sexual orientation, relationship style, age or relationship status.

CRD offers guidance for the taboo talks that pave the way to fulfilment. It emphasises courageous and considerate conversations that meet people where they are. With the right approach, we can nurture greater connection in all our relationships by discussing desire, sexuality and intimacy openly. I know you’re shuddering right now — if you’ve read this far — but trust me (and the research here and here, to start with). It gets better as we dare to discuss the undiscussable.

Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash

Real-life examples: From AI companions to BDSM

Let’s journey now to Seattle, where Alex turns to an AI companion named Replika for company during the pandemic. At first, it felt awkward discussing intimacy with a chatbot. But Replika’s empathy and lack of judgment allowed Alex to open up about needs a shy, isolated human couldn’t. “Having someone to share my deepest thoughts with, even artificially, made me feel less alone,” Alex reflects.

Now, let’s journey to Paris, where Mistress Velvet guides her submissive in a carefully choreographed BDSM scene. Contrary to popular myths, their dynamic is built on radical consent, trust and communication. “We’re reshaping intimacy on our own terms,” Velvet asserts, “but that requires exchanging power openly versus letting taboos keep desires suppressed.”

Welcome to the future of relationships, where pleasure and connection transcend convention. As sex historians point out, humans have engaged in non-monogamous, kink and queer dynamics for centuries. Consenting adults have maintained intimate relationships with AI companions more recently, and sex robots are becoming part of our human reality. What’s shifted is society’s willingness to discuss these topics openly. And that’s where CRD comes in.

CRD provides a framework for co-creating ethical, fulfilling relationships beyond the norm. It emphasises open communication, radical self-awareness and designing partnerships that allow each person to thrive. Whether you seek to explore polyamory, kink, AI relationships or new frontiers yet unnamed, CRD offers guidance for the taboo talks that can open up the pathways.

Practical steps for navigating taboo conversations

Fine, you say. Sure. Or maybe you’ve stopped reading. But if you haven’t, you’re probably asking, “Okay, so practically speaking. How can I realistically start engaging in these conversations with my partner(s)?” Here are some suggestions:

• Explore your motivations and boundaries first. Understand what needs you seek to meet and what feels aligned before initiating new explorations.
• Lead with curiosity over judgment. Approach your partner from a place of genuine interest versus criticising choices different from your own.
• Don’t make assumptions. Different people define fidelity, intimacy and taboos differently based on their values and preferences. Discuss definitions openly.
• Unpack insecurities mindfully. Jealousy, shame and fear often arise when challenging the status quo. Seek to understand the roots behind these emotions.
• Emphasise consent, transparency and agency. Ensure all partners are empowered to make autonomous choices about how they participate.
• Take small steps. You don’t have to redesign your entire relationship overnight. Start with one new vulnerable conversation and build from there.

Expanding intimacy requires reflecting on biases, communicating courageously and connecting compassionately across all types of relationships and interactions. It’s a multi-conversation process that yields greater love, understanding and personal growth. Sure, it will feel scary. So say that. Sit with that. And allow that.

If you feel you need help and support opening up these conversations, please also consider seeking the support of a sex-positive therapist.

Expanding the dialogue: Beyond romantic partners

These open dialogues need not be confined to just romantic relationships. Candid conversations about sexuality can also nurture understanding and depth in all our connections — with friends, adult children, parents and our communities.

Sexuality is a fundamental part of life. When we open up with empathy about intimate experiences, it forges bonds. Yet outdated norms still discourage openness, leaving many craving deeper connections, as we’ve seen above.

Sam longed to discuss exploring consensual non-monogamy with his sister but feared judgment. Sarah wanted to share her experiences hiring sex workers with her empty-nester friends, yet felt ashamed. Their inability to discuss desire, pleasure and experimentation left them feeling isolated and cut off in some ways from the people who mattered most to them.

Photo by visuals on Unsplash

Here are some tips for opening up dialogues about sexual taboos beyond romantic relationships:

With friends:

• Frame it as sharing, not oversharing. Seek open-minded friends.
• Start with lower-risk topics to test comfort levels.
• Set clear boundaries around what you’ll discuss.

With adult children:

• Don’t force it. Let them come to you when ready.
• Keep it general, focusing on values over specific acts.
• Recommend varied educational resources, including podcasts, books and visual media.

With parents/elders:

• Clarify your aim is understanding, not shock.
• Use sexuality in media/culture as conversational bridges.
• Frame sexuality as a dimension of human fulfillment.

With all:

• Lead with empathy regarding differences of all kinds.
• Respect each other’s boundaries.
• Make it an ongoing dialogue, not one talk.

Navigating with care

In conclusion, while discussing taboo topics in contexts in and outside the bedroom can enhance communication, understanding and intimacy, it is essential to navigate these conversations with sensitivity and respect for each other’s boundaries to ensure they contribute positively to connection, relationship satisfaction and personal growth.

One warning in case you’re now inspired to rush right out and start talking about sexual taboos: What topics are appropriate, and what topics are taboo? Lee et al. note that […] within the first two hours of conversation, […] inappropriate topics include income, personal problems, and sexual behaviour. People are not likely to evaluate others positively when they violate this expectation.

Conclusion: A call to courageous conversations

Are you ready to embrace the vulnerable talks that remove shame and foster mutual understanding? By bringing sexuality out of the shadows through courageous conversations, we can transform not just our connections with romantic partners but also our relationships with friends, family and community.

A more open, sex-positive world awaits. One where intimacy is consciously designed through taboo talks sculpting genuine, ethical relationships beyond the bedroom and across the spectrum of human connection.

Whether single, coupled, or in poly/non-monogamous dynamics, CRD focuses on communication, empathy and iteration to understand desires and foster judgment-free dialogue. This empowers you to intentionally design and refine your relationships to nurture fulfilment and alignment with your evolving needs.

Learn more here.

This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.

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Comment or reach out if you’d like to share your thoughts. I look forward to hearing your perspectives and engaging in this evolving dialogue about love, relationships and the endless forms they take.