Conscious Relationship Design: Reimagining Freedom and Autonomy in Intimate Connections
How can we design for freedom and autonomy in our relationships, where freedom isn’t traded but nurtured? How can we intentionally co-create relationships that allow us to grow and expand?
This is a piece from a book I am writing on Conscious Relationship Design.
We walked in silence for a time, the stranger and I. After some hours, he began to speak of his life as it was now. He was divorced at 65. He spoke the words I’d heard many utter, young and old and across genders, “I can do what I want.”
Neither revenge nor remorse tinted his admission. He wanted to tell me he was free.
He went on to express how wonderful that felt, to be able to do what he wanted. He could get up in the morning and go for a long walk or sit sipping his coffee, watching the sunrise. He could contribute to the world and be more than he was some days. He could do nothing (which is something) and still be more than he was other days.
Relationship had been about Compromise — aren’t they all, he pondered. “You do things to keep your partner happy,” he lamented. It wasn’t her happiness he regretted, but the effacement some days of his own.
I am reading a book called Selfless (by Stanford professor Brian Lowery) at the moment. He writes:
Why is freedom such a powerful touchstone for some of us? Maybe because we have come to believe that being free is to be your true self. But now we know that is completely backward. To be free, a being unaffected by others, not bound by norms and customs, untethered to the current moment, is to be without self.
You cannot be completely free in any relationship, but you can’t know or be your self without them. This leaves you with a stark choice, which really is no choice at all. If freedom entails infinite possibilities of being, you can’t be completely free and have a self. Maybe then what we need and want isn’t freedom as I’ve described it, so much as the feeling of being free.
Yes, the feeling of being free. In the stranger’s view above, the feeling entailed being able to do what he wanted. This is something I have heard again and again from friends and clients: they either feel they can’t be who they are (Lowery posits we are our relationships and “dissatisfaction in a relationship is often the result of conflicting ideas about your ‘self’ that arise from other relationships in your life”), they’ve lost who they are, or they cannot do what they want. There is a low-level undercurrent of tension between partners as one or the other stretches or resists.
My question to the stranger was, “What if we could design relationships in such a way that freedom — and/or the feeling of freedom — were baked in?”
By this, I do not mean we make each other feel free, but we aren’t, really. I mean, we are really. We can be and do what we want, and we can be fluid, and mutable. We can grow and change and keep adapting through time without fear of disappointing someone or bringing the world crashing down around our shoulders.
A big ask, yes.
What if we could make freedom, autonomy, the honouring of each individual’s desires a priority? What if we could design for space and change?
The stranger looked at me. “Is that possible? I’m not sure my partner would have wanted that.”
“Did you ask her?” I waited. “You’d be surprised how many humans want the same things you do.”
He smiled. We both did.
To my mind, the stranger had just, unknowingly or knowingly (I will never know which), revealed a longing for self-expression within his relationship, subtly nudging towards a discourse less traversed — Conscious Relationship Design. It echoed the essence of designing relational spaces where freedom isn’t traded but nurtured, creating parameters and containers where individuals flourish together.
Conscious Relationship Design takes work — a lot of it — in addition to willing, like-minded participants and a whole big bundle of open communication. It also takes emotional security, a commitment to non-judgement and deep curiosity. It takes courage to design things that might fly in the face of everything that has come before.
The conscious relationship design process requires that those involved in the relationship (of two or more) can:
- be self-aware, that is to say, can access deep knowledge of their needs, wishes, desires, limitations and boundaries
- speak openly about their needs, wishes, desires, limitations and boundaries, without fear of judgement
- listen deeply to the needs, wishes, desires, limitations and boundaries of other(s) in the relationship and suspend judgement
- practice empathy, be curious and seek to understand others when they share their needs, wishes, desires, limitations and boundaries
- conceive and imagine new parameters and containers for their relationship that may or may not fit with thousands of years of belief around how relationships should work (e.g. heteronormative, monogamous, marriage for life, in line with expected behaviours around gender roles, in-person, adhering to child-bearing and rearing expectations, participating in sex for reproduction and not pleasure, etc.)
- be willing and free to experiment with new models, rules and behaviours
- be free and open to changing their minds — and hearts — as experience is gained through experimentation
- be committed to clear and transparent communication at regular intervals and as issues (and joys!) arise
- take time to reflect, process and learn through experimentation
- be emotionally secure, vulnerable and able to emotionally self-regulate
- prioritise care of themselves and repair (as needed) for and with other(s)
- acts responsibly and with respect
- withstand judgement from others outside the relationship.
A few different ways to design relationships
I’ve written about my experience with a finite 20-year marriage recently, but this is just one of the many ways to consciously design — intentionally co-create — relationships.
I’ve also written about communal living as an alternative to bi-parental parenting as discussed by Ezra Klein in Why Ezra Klein Thinks “We’re Living Through A Mistake” and The Benefits of Utopian Thinking podcast with Kristen R. Ghodsee, author of Everyday Utopia: What 2,000 Years of Wild Experiments Can Teach Us About the Good Life. Ghodsee poses the possibility of having different partners for different roles and responsibilities: for example, our romantic partners may not be our best co-parenting partners, and yet, that is what we (the Church, legal institutions and society) expect of our romantic partners. It may seem inconceivable to conceive and raise a child with a human outside of our intimate, romantic relationship or conversely, to explore our sexual needs and desires outside our co-parenting relationship.
This brings us to consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and its subset, ethical non-monogamy, which includes polyamory, open relationships and swinging. CNM is the practice of non-monogamous intimate or sexual relations that are distinguished from infidelity by the knowledge and consent of those involved. Research shows that approximately one in five Americans have engaged in CNM at one point in their lifetimes. It is estimated that at least 5% of the North American population is currently in a CNM relationship. According to a study from Norway, CNM was highly related to relationship intimacy and positive sexual attitudes toward sex and sexuality.
Another practice I’ve been thinking about is a three-year onramp to pair-bonding, in which each partner is committed to building deep body and emotional knowledge of the other(s) for three years. At the three-year mark, the partners can each evaluate the relationship according to predefined indicators that are important to them (such as freedom, autonomy, feeling nurtured, experiencing growth, comfort, variety, etc.) and reach a decision on the future of the relationship. For example, they can decide to either exit the onramp over a defined period (0–3 years) and consciously decouple or transition to another form of relationship (platonic, open and sexual, parenting, etc.) or continue to build further body and emotional knowledge (choosing to be monogamous or practice CNM) for another three years, or commit to a finite marriage or for-life marriage.
This may sound rational, scientific and absent of romance, my argument for Conscious Relationship Design. But …
What happens if we don’t consciously design for desire change, freedom and growth?
Concretely? The number of conversations I’ve had with strangers, clients, friends and family bears out the research. People start lamenting to themselves, their closest friends and therapists, “I just want to do what I want (or something’s off — I don’t know what it is, but something’s off). I can’t do what I want — or suspect I want — right now, for all kinds of reasons. My partner wouldn’t want it; it would be unfair to our relationship/family; who am I to suggest I want to do what I want; my Church/friends/social groups wouldn’t understand; Life isn’t about doing what we want, it’s about doing what we have to do; we can’t all do what we want, and so on.
Did you know …
Research shows that new relationship energy (NRE) dies out anywhere from 6–18 months into a new relationship. NRE is a mental state commonly encountered at the onset of romantic and sexual partnerships, usually characterised by heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement. Many couples mourn the passing of the “in love” stage and either try to buckle down and enjoy the quotidian routine of togetherness and work on their couple (or not) or move on in search of more NRE. They may become serial monogamists (societal norms are more accepting of this model), experiment with polygamy, and or find other ways to keep NRE going.
When humans are unable to experience NRE and/or enter into relationship, some can internalise media messages around their unattractability and undesirability. Being an un-coupled adult is almost as stigmatised today as being involved in open relationships.
If you look at the statistics on monogamy, infidelity and interest or desire in opening relationships:
- Globally, marriage rates, often associated with monogamous commitments, are declining in many regions. Individuals are marrying later in life, and cohabitation without marriage is on the rise.
- In some regions like the United States and Belgium, divorce rates have surged to about 50% and 70% respectively, indicating challenges in maintaining monogamous relationships over time.
- A study from 2019 revealed that 30% of women and 28% of men surveyed had engaged in non-monogamous relationships at some point, hinting at a substantial level of infidelity or exploration outside traditional monogamous bounds.
- Cynthia Graham and her colleagues found that twice as many women reported lack of interest in sex in a relationship after a year as men did. Rather than assuming this is because “women just like sex less,” many experts are now considering that women need variety, novelty, and sexual adventure every bit as much as men do, and possibly more. And when they don’t get it, they shut down sexually
- According to Dr. Tammy Nelson, some 72% of people say they might be interested in opening their marriages/partnerships but are afraid to “burn down the house”, meaning have a conversation around their changing and evolving physical and emotional desires.
- Other data show that 41% of American Zillennials (aged 18–34) would be interested in non-monogamy. At the same time, Generation X trails 14 points behind (26%), followed by Baby Boomers (11%), who are the least likely to express interest in a non-monogamous relationship.
Yearly conversations
Another Conscious Relationship Design practice includes having yearly conversations around some or all of the topics below. Naturally, there is a time and a place for these kinds of conversations — and they should not go on for hours and days. There is wisdom in keeping things light and manageable — and having these kinds of conversations when everyone is rested, fed and relaxed. This being said, I know of a family that goes on a yearly retreat together to think about and share their feelings and thoughts on topics such as the ones I suggest below.
- Monogamy: How is that working out for us? Are you/we/I (gasp!) interested in dating or having sex with others? (This should not be a conversation we are afraid to have, particularly in view of the history and data on infidelity.)
- Expansion and exclusivity on three levels: physical, emotional and intellectual. It’s not just our sexual (see Monogamy above) exclusivity that needs regular review. How exclusive or expansive do we want to be emotionally? Can — or do we want—emotional affairs or people we share our emotional lives with outside our couple? Or do we expect that we share our emotional lives exclusively with our partner? What about intellectually? Are we expecting our partner be the sole source of support and stimulation? If so, how would that work? And does it work?
- Touch preferences (including how we initiate sex): These change. What we — and our bodies — wanted and liked a year ago can and does evolve. But people keep touching each other in the same way for years, simply because they have not had the conversation.
- Domestic duty distribution: Is one or the other doing too much or too little at home? Have responsibilities shifted outside the home? Can or should we redistribute tasks to share the delights and burdens of everyday life? (Studies show sex increases when domestic duties are shared — or perceived to be more equitable.)
- Money: Along with sex, this is a big one. There are a lot of hidden expectations around money and how we manage (or don’t manage) it. Do we still agree on what money is for, how and in whom we want to invest it? Do we need a budget and/or separate accounts? Do both of us manage our finances? If not, who does and how do we communicate as issues arise?
- Reproduction and reproductive health: Are we wanting (more) children, a year later? If so, what’s our plan? Are we on the same page? If not, is our contraception working for us? Do we want to explore other options? This should be a mutual discussion and decision where possible.
- Drug and alcohol use: Another biggie — and a topic some couples choose not to discuss. But a yearly chat might be helpful around this. Is one or another of us consuming (more) drugs and alcohol? Are we using weed, MDMA, opioids? Are we micro-dosing? How is our alcohol consumption? How are these affecting our health and relationships?
- Porn: Another “secret” and potentially hot topic. According to research, women can be upset to learn their male (and female) partners are consuming porn on the sly, and men can be excited to learn their female (and male) partners are doing so. Whatever the case, this topic may open doors to discussions about your sexual life, needs and desires. It should not be a “blame and shame” conversation — but one of curiosity and non-judgement. Remember, too, that one may never consume porn and then one day get curious. Having a yearly placeholder around this discussion makes it possible to start talking about it.
- Screens and social media: There’s no getting around it. Screens and social media are ubiquitous. Most American adults are spending up to 4 hours watching TV and another 4 hours on their phones. They take their phones to bed, restaurants and bathrooms. Here is an opportunity to talk about our own expectations around screen and social media use (and how it’s affecting us). How often are we getting non-screen, in-person, eye-contact time? Is it enough? Too much? Do we want non-tech days or hours? Do we want to ban the phone from our bedroom, the breakfast table, vacations?
- Freedom: Where do we need more — or less — of it? This gets back to expansion and exclusivity, but it also touches on our ability to “do what we want”. Relationship can be about Compromise, but it shouldn’t mean the demise of a couple. Autonomy, time and space away, the ability to design one’s day or week or month as one would like can all be things people build into their relationships. We may not be free in relationships, but we can come to feel that way.
- Attention and support: Where do we need more — or less — of it? Are we living like islands? Are we sharing what’s going on and getting the support we need or expect? Do we still feel loved and desired, cared about and for? What needs to happen for us to reach our sweet spots in this area? Life presents increasingly unexpected challenges as we move through it. Do we have each other’s backs?
- Living together and “living apart together (LAT)”: Societal norms dictate that humans should live together as couples. But research shows that LAT is on the rise and that separate living quarters (or bedrooms) bring many advantages. People are sustaining relationships over years in separate accommodations, sometimes at great distances. Ask yourselves: are we happy living in each other’s space? Would we like to experiment with living apart if our financial situation permits it?
- Each person’s goals, aspirations and upcoming life projects: Our goals, aspirations and life projects evolve and change, sometimes at a snail’s pace and sometimes as rapidly as the blink of an eye. And sometimes we lose sight of them in the whirlwind of daily life. This placeholder makes it possible for us to reconnect with ourselves and our partners and think about how our lives are designed to support our goals, aspirations and life projects. Maybe we need to switch up some domestic duties or financial responsibilities, or create space for each other, or cut each other some slack as we try something new. This conversation, as with all the others, should be warm, supportive and curiosity-driven. Blame and shame should be checked at the door.
- Our relationship agreement(s): A year ago, we may have agreed to full transparency or exclusivity or worked out agreements around expansion. Do we need to adapt or re-energise our agreements? How would we like to evolve them so they are something we’re excited about?
The takeaway
Many of us have relationships based on what we’ve heard, seen and observed in the world around us. We often fall into them, attracted as we are to the people we frequent and spend time with. We may even live out the status quo — pair bond, conceive and raise children, separate or die together. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
I believe, having conducted months of research for my book, spent hours working with clients and listening deeply to the confessions and observations of strangers, family and friends that there is scope and a deep need for Conscious Relationship Design.
There are many exciting and loving ways to have relationships, and we can be intentional in their design with our partners.
As controversial as this might seem, the more I speak with people from all walks of life, the more I see their eyes light up and smiles stretch across their faces.
“Really?”
“Really.”
What do you think?
You may decide that monogamy and long-term marriage in the same living space are your preferences — that no, you cannot conceive of CNM or living separately from your partner. And that’s wonderful! You don’t have to choose or design anything differently from what you have constructed and participate in now. But I’m making an argument for Conscious Relationship Design. Be conscious that you are choosing what you are living — and that together, you can design and choose something new if and when you are both (or more of you) open to it. These kinds of conversations can infuse new energy into your relationships, and they are certain to create greater intimacy if you approach them with curiosity, openness, respect and non-judgment.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you already thought about consciously designing your intimate relationships to include more freedom or the space to do more of what you (both — or more) want? Contact me at julie.harrisguiader[at]gmail.com. This is a conversation I would love to have with you.
Additional resources
This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.
If you’d like to work on consciously designing your relationships, read more here, and reach out.
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