Crafting Connections: Applying Conscious Relationship Design in Polyamory
The third in a series on Designing Love: Exploring Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy
In a small, dimly lit coffee shop in the heart of a bustling city, three humans, each from a different walk of life, sit discussing the intricate dynamics of their relationship. This isn’t just any conversation; it is a testament to their commitment to understanding each other deeply. They aren’t just lovers; they are people consciously designing their relationships in a world where the conventional boundaries of relationships are continuously being redrawn. This is where our story begins, and it’s a story that echoes the journeys of many who are navigating the complex world of polyamory and simultaneously discovering Conscious Relationship Design (CRD).
Welcome back to our series, where we’ve been unravelling the layers of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy (ENM). In our previous discussions, we ventured into the history, the myths and the societal tapestry that frames these unconventional relationships. But today, we delve deeper, into a realm where love is not just felt but meticulously crafted — welcome to the world of Conscious Relationship Design.
At its core, CRD isn’t just about managing multiple relationships; it’s about intentionally creating a space where every individual can thrive (be it in monogamous relationships, ethically non-monogamous ones, single polyamorous ones, relationship anarchy and more). CRD is where the principles of communication, negotiation and empathy are not just ideals but practised realities. It’s a world where love is not divided but multiplied, where connections are not diluted but strengthened through a conscious, collaborative effort.
Now, you might wonder, what sets this article apart from the rest? Here’s the promise: by the end of this exploration, you’ll not just understand CRD in the context of polyamory; you’ll witness its transformative power through the lens of real lives, its potential to redefine love, partnership and personal growth. This isn’t just another discussion; it’s an intellectual adventure into the heart of modern relationships.
But before we begin, I’m curious about your starting point. What’s your current understanding or experience with CRD and/or polyamory? Have you ever found yourself intrigued by the idea of designing relationships rather than merely falling into them? Share your thoughts, experiences and where you stand on this spectrum of love and design by commenting below. Your insights and reflections will help shape our exploration and inform the wider discussion.
Primer on polyamory and CRD
Picture this: Emily, a software engineer with a penchant for solving complex puzzles, found herself facing the most intricate puzzle of her life — her relationships. Amidst the urban sprawl of a city that never sleeps, she stumbled upon an idea that would change her view on love forever: Conscious Relationship Design. It wasn’t just a concept for her; it was a revelation, a methodical approach to untangling the emotional web of her polyamorous life.
Polyamory, for the uninitiated, is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It’s a world where love isn’t confined to pairs but is shared openly and honestly among more than two. (For easy-to-understand definitions of polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy, see Beyond Monogamy: An Introduction to Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships.)
Now, imagine adding a layer of intentionality to relationships of more than two. That’s where CRD comes in. It’s not just about managing these relationships; it’s about designing them. It’s about creating a relationship environment where everyone’s needs are understood and met, where communication is not just a tool but the very foundation upon which these relationships stand. CRD is the art of nurturing each connection with purpose and empathy, ensuring that every individual feels valued and heard.
As Emily navigated her relationships, she realised that CRD was more than a concept; it was a practice, a set of principles she could apply to make her connections deeper and more fulfilling. She began to map out her relationships, not on paper, but in conversations filled with honesty and vulnerability. She started to design her love life like she designed software — with thought, care and continuous iteration.
For those of you who are visual thinkers, imagine an infographic where each line represents a connection, each colour a different need or boundary, and each shape a person. This is the chart of Emily’s life, a complex yet beautifully organised depiction of her relationships. It’s a living document, constantly evolving as the people in it grow and change.
Emily’s story isn’t just a narrative. It’s an example of how, with the right approach, the complexities of love can be navigated with grace and intentionality. As we delve deeper into the nuances of polyamory and CRD, remember Emily’s journey. Think of the puzzles in your own life that might just need a new approach, a new design.
The evolution and current landscape of polyamory
In the labyrinthine annals of human history, the story of polyamory is as rich and varied as any epic. For a detailed exploration of its ancient roots and intricate evolution, I invite you to revisit the second instalment of this series. There, we journey through time, from the cradle of ancient civilizations to the vibrant tapestry of modern society, uncovering the persistent thread of polyamory woven throughout human history.
Now, let’s pivot our focus to the seismic shifts in societal views on polyamory and the landscape as it stands today. It’s like we’re stepping into the pages of Christopher Gleason’s new book, American Poly: A History, where he peels back the layers of polyamory’s modern narrative. Gleason doesn’t merely present facts; he guides us into the intimate spaces, emotions and minds of individuals traversing the multifaceted realm of polyamory in a society that’s not just acknowledging but seeking to understand and embrace this way of life.
Simultaneously, we can’t overlook the contributions of thinkers like Justin Lehmiller, who, through their meticulous research, offer us a window into the real lives and experiences of people in polyamorous relationships. Lehmiller’s work isn’t a mere academic exercise; it’s a bridge connecting the abstract world of research with the tangible, everyday realities of individuals exploring love beyond traditional boundaries.
So, what does the current landscape look like? Imagine a world where once-taboo conversations about love and relationships are now taking place in the open — on Netflix, in the cinema and figuring solidly in contemporary novels. The advent of social media and online forums has given rise to vibrant communities where individuals share, learn and find solace in their shared experiences. Polyamory, once a fringe concept, is steadily gaining recognition as a legitimate and valid form of relationship.
Yet, this shift hasn’t been without its challenges. Society’s gears grind slowly, and the journey toward acceptance and understanding is ongoing. Legal systems, healthcare and social institutions are still catching up, often lagging behind the lived realities of polyamorous individuals. The path forward isn’t just about changing laws; it’s about opening hearts and minds, about fostering a culture that acknowledges and respects the myriad ways love can manifest.
As you reflect on this evolving landscape, consider how your own perceptions of love and relationships have been shaped by the society you live in. How do the stories, research and discussions you encounter expand or challenge your understanding of what relationships can be?
Remember, the story of polyamory isn’t just a chronicle of the past; it’s an ongoing narrative, one that you, too, are a part of — whether or not you are polyamorous.
4–5% of Americans identify as being in polyamorous relationships; that’s 17–18 million people. In a 2016 study, only 50% of millennials (under 30 at the time) wanted a completely monogamous relationship. — Carrie Anne Hojnoski BA(H)Psych, MSW RSW in The Sex Positive Podcast
This means that in a group of 40, say a large college classroom, you will study with at least 2 people currently practicing polyamory.
20 of those students will believe that open marriages is a viable relationship model, according to a 2023 Pew Research study, and 8 of them may go on to practice some form of ENM at some point in their lives (based on studies from 2016 and 2017).
So let’s say you’re curious about polyamory — or have been practising polyamory for quite a while now. How would you apply Conscious Relationship Design to it?
Applying CRD in polyamory
In the world of polyamory, the pillars of consent, communication, honesty, and mutual respect stand firm, underpinning the essence of multiple loving relationships. These principles intersect seamlessly with the tenets of Conscious Relationship Design, where communication is not just a principle but the lifeblood, negotiation a constant, empathy the glue, intentionality the compass, and continuous iteration the path to growth and understanding. Together, they create a robust framework, a set of guiding lights that ensure relationships are not just built but nurtured, respected and ever-evolving.
By way of example, in a tale of transformation and exploration, Megan and Marty Bhatia journeyed from a conventional life into polyamory. The Bhatias, once in traditional roles of worker, wife and mother, found themselves yearning for more. It was Marty’s intuitive nudge that cracked open the door to their growth. Their foray into the world of swinging was just the beginning, but it was their encounter with Kyle Henry that truly redefined their relationship. As they embraced polyamory, they navigated complex emotions, finding freedom and a renewed sense of self. They practiced “kitchen table” polyamory, in which all partners interacted, intentionally working through challenges as they arose and sharing their emotions, thoughts and ideas openly. There were periods of distance and processing as things got intense, but these periods allowed them to take the time and space they needed to validate and process their emotions.
By way of a more concrete example, here is a scene from a throuple’s polycule, where they too, use CRD.
In their cozy living room, Emma nestled into the corner of the plush couch, Sam sat against a pile of cushions on the floor, and Jordan leaned back in a worn, comfortable armchair. The golden hue of the floor lamp cast a warm glow over them. It was their monthly CRD session, a time for open dialogue and reflection.
“Okay,” Emma started, taking a deep breath, “I think we need to discuss how we are managing time with our partners. I feel like I’m not getting enough one-on-one time with Sam.”
Sam nodded, “I understand, Emma. I think we can arrange more private time together. How about Tuesdays?”
Jordan shifted uncomfortably, his fingers tapping on the armrest. “I hear you both, but where does that leave me on Tuesdays? I’m worried I’ll end up feeling isolated.”
The room, usually a cocoon of warmth and comfort, tensed with unspoken emotions. Bookshelves lined the walls, filled with well-loved novels and memories. The trio had built this space together, a sanctuary now bearing witness to their conflict.
Emma reached out, her hand gently finding Jordan’s. “We’re in this together, remember? Your feelings are just as important. Maybe you could use that time for yourself? We’ve talked about how you wanted to start painting again.”
Jordan’s eyes, filled with a mix of emotions, met hers. “I guess I could,” he conceded, “but it’s more about feeling left out. It’s not just about filling time.”
Sam, his voice steady but empathetic, added, “As Emma says, we’re in this together, Jordan. Maybe we can all take a course or start a project together on Thursdays? Something that’s just ours?”
The conversation ebbed and flowed, filled with moments of tension and understanding. They talked about their fears, their dreams, and how to balance individual needs with the health of their relationship. As the night deepened, so did their discussion, moving from concerns of time to deeper issues of belonging and reassurance.
Finally, as the clock chimed late into the evening, they reached an understanding. Tuesdays would be for Emma and Sam, while Thursdays became their new “trio night”, dedicated to collective activities. Jordan agreed to explore his artistic side during his alone time, knowing it didn’t mean isolation but a different form of personal growth.
As they wrapped up, the tension dissipated, replaced by a sense of collective relief and accomplishment. They had navigated through choppy waters, their bond strengthened by the honesty and empathy shared in the glow of their living room. This CRD session, like their relationship, was a work in progress — challenging, yes, but deeply rewarding. They were learning, together, that the beauty of their bond wasn’t just in the joyous moments, but in their ability to face, overcome and grow from the challenges.
Whether in monogamous, monogamish, polyamorous, or other ENM relationships, CRD principles can help foster healthy, deeper connections. Here’s how to start applying these principles:
- Practice self-awareness: Spend time alone to understand your emotions, desires and limits. Consider practicing self-reflection, journaling or therapy to uncover deeper insights into your own needs and how they affect your relationships.
- Actively communicate: Schedule regular, uninterrupted time for discussions. Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings and actively listen without interrupting when your partner(s) speak. See more below.
- Prioritise consent: Always seek and confirm clear, enthusiastic consent before proceeding with any new step or change in your relationship. Regularly check in to ensure continued comfort and agreement.
- Embrace empathy and non-judgment: Practice putting yourself in your partner’s shoes to understand their perspective. When they share, respond with validation and support instead of immediate solutions or judgments.
- Practice intentionality and design: Together, define what you want your relationship to look like. Write down agreements and revisit them regularly. Consider involving a therapist or counselor experienced in non-traditional relationships to guide you.
- Be curious and respectful: Ask open-ended questions about your partner’s changing needs and desires. Show respect by acknowledging their growth and supporting their journey, even when it diverges from your path.
- Negotiate and adapt: When disagreements arise, approach them as a team looking for a win-win solution. Stay flexible and willing to adjust agreements as you and your partner(s) evolve.
- Conduct regular reflections: Set aside time for monthly check-ins and a comprehensive yearly audit where all parties can share feelings, celebrate growth, and address concerns (consider going away on a mini-retreat if you can!). Use this time to deepen your understanding and commitment to each other’s well-being.
Communication as the bedrock
In the maze of human connections, communication, as we’ve said, is not merely a tool but the very cornerstone of relationships. It’s the bridge that connects human minds and hearts. But what happens when that bridge is frail, when there’s no culture of communication, when fear, shame, or betrayal looms heavy in the air? Drawing from the wisdom of Esther Perel, insights commonly shared by Dan Savage, and the practical approach of Dr. Emily Morse, let’s explore how we can fortify this bridge, even when it seems on the verge of collapse.
The silence that breeds secrets
When communication is absent, relationships often become breeding grounds for secrets and lies. Perel emphasises that a lack of open dialogue can lead to disconnection and mistrust. Savage, known for his direct and often candid advice, would likely argue that avoiding difficult conversations only exacerbates the problem. When we’re afraid to express our desires, fantasies or fears, we isolate ourselves from our partners, creating a chasm that can be challenging to bridge.
Building a culture of communication
For those who haven’t grown up with a model of healthy communication, starting can feel like learning a new language late in life. Begin by setting a foundation of trust and safety. This means creating an environment where both parties understand that their thoughts and feelings will be met without judgment or immediate rebuttal. As Perel suggests, understand the difference between hearing and listening. Listening is an active, participatory process. It’s about more than just waiting for your turn to speak; it’s about truly trying to understand your partner’s perspective.
Strategies for open dialogue
- Reflective listening: As Perel notes, reflective listening, such as the Imago Dialogue technique, can be transformative. It involves mirroring back what you’ve heard, validating your partner’s feelings and empathising.
2. Scheduled conversations: Regularly schedule times to check in with each other. These shouldn’t just be reserved for when issues arise, but should be a consistent part of maintaining your relationship.
3. Use “I” statements: Focus on your feelings and experiences rather than making accusatory statements. This helps in taking ownership of your feelings and reduces defensiveness in your partner.
4. Seek professional help: Sometimes, a neutral third party like a therapist can provide the tools and space necessary to start these conversations, especially if trust needs to be rebuilt.
When shame and fear dominate
Addressing intimate topics, particularly around sex and desires, can be daunting.
Start small and from a place of curiosity. Ask open-ended questions and express your own thoughts and desires without expectation. Remember, these discussions aren’t about immediate agreement or action but about understanding and acknowledgment. Silence and deep listening are your friends as you build trust and safety.
Take it as slowly as you need to, hold the safe space for everyone and avoid overly long sessions. Shame and fear can be destabilising as they rise to the surface. If you feel you need help, consult with a therapist individually or collectively to help heal shame and fear.
On the lighter side, Dr. Emily Morse advocates for normalising these conversations and reminds us to use the “3Ts of communication and sex”.
Dr. Morse: Timing, Turf and Tone. You want the timing to be when you’re feeling like you’re in a good place to have a healthy conversation. Turf: You want to have conversations about sex outside of the bedroom. I personally love having these talks on a walk or on a road trip with my partner. It just seems like when we’re moving and we’re doing something together — that’s a great location to do it. And then the tone should be curious and open, supportive and positive.
Rebuilding after betrayal
Betrayal — or the breaking of agreements — can shatter the bedrock of communication. The path to rebuilding it can be long and painful, but not impossible. Begin by acknowledging the hurt and allowing space for the expression of pain. Commit to honesty, no matter how difficult this is. Understand that rebuilding trust is a process that involves consistent, reliable and transparent behaviour over time. And remember to seek counselling to help all partners repair and rebuild as needed.
Communication and you
Have there been moments when communication significantly impacted your relationships? Perhaps a time when silence led to misunderstanding, or an open conversation brought you closer? Reflect on your experiences and the strategies you’ve found effective. Share them below, if you feel so moved. Your experiences not only aid your growth but could light the path for others navigating the complex world of relationships and communication.
In crafting connections, whether they be polyamorous or monogamous, the principles of CRD — communication, negotiation, empathy, intentionality and continuous iteration — are not just abstract concepts. They are the lifeblood that keeps relationships thriving. As we venture deeper into the art of communication, remember, it’s not just about finding the right words; it’s about creating a shared language that leads to understanding and connection.
Overcoming challenges with CRD
As we’ve begun to see, polyamorous relationships can encounter distinct challenges. Here’s how CRD principles can offer solutions to some of the more well-known challenges:
- Jealousy: Often sparked by new partners or deepening relationships, jealousy can come of fear of neglect or inadequacy. Other partners can be perceived as threats to one’s stability in a relationship. CRD, however, encourages self-awareness, inviting individuals to understand and address these feelings. Therapy or counseling can provide tools for managing jealousy and fostering compersion, the joy in a partner’s happiness with another.
- Societal stigma: Facing judgment or isolation from society can be daunting. Open, honest communication within a polyamorous community can build resilience and provide a supportive network. Sharing experiences and strategies helps counter negative perceptions and reinforce one’s identity and choices. Reading books and consulting other sources on navigating polyamory can also provide additional support.
- Logistical complexities: Managing time and commitments across multiple partners is a practical challenge. CRD advocates for negotiation and intentional planning. By openly discussing each partner’s needs and preferences, polycules can create balanced schedules that respect and prioritise all relationships.
- Balancing emotional needs and boundaries: Ensuring each partner feels heard and valued is crucial. CRD’s focus on empathy and continuous iteration can help navigate these challenges. By actively engaging in discussions about emotional needs and boundaries, partners can foster a deeper understanding and adapt their relationship design to meet these evolving needs.
Real-life examples
- Overcoming jealousy: Alex, Sam and Jamie, a triad, faced jealousy when Sam started seeing someone new. Through therapy and open discussions about insecurities, they learned to process these feelings and found joy in each other’s happiness.
- Countering stigma: Taylor and Jordan, a couple open about their polyamory, started a local support group. Sharing stories and resources, they built a community that helped each member feel understood and less isolated.
- Navigating schedules: Mia, Casey and Riley, a throuple, used a shared digital calendar to manage their time together and with other partners, ensuring everyone felt valued and included.
- Balancing emotional needs and boundaries: Chris, Alex and Pat, a V-structured polyamorous group, faced challenges when Chris felt their emotional needs were overshadowed by Alex and Pat’s stronger bond. Through dedicated CRD sessions, they openly discussed their feelings, leading to a deeper understanding of Chris’s need for validation and time. They agreed on dedicated “Chris days” and set clear, respectful boundaries for their interactions, ensuring Chris felt equally important. This helped foster a balanced, emotionally nurturing environment for all three, illustrating the power of empathy and communication in addressing and harmonising each individual’s emotional needs.
The rewards of applying CRD in polyamory
Conscious Relationship Design isn’t just a methodology. By adopting CRD principles, individuals and polycules can reap numerous rewards:
Enhanced communication
- Fostering an environment where every voice is heard.
- Encouraging open and honest discussions, reducing misunderstandings.
- Leading to more effective conflict resolution.
Deepened trust
- Building stronger bonds through vulnerability and honesty.
- Enhancing security within relationships, even amidst complexities.
- Cultivating a sense of safety and belonging for each partner.
Personal growth
- Encouraging self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
- Facilitating learning and adapting to new relationship dynamics.
- Promoting personal development through continuous self-reflection and learning.
Increased flexibility and resilience
- Allowing relationships to adapt to changing needs and circumstances.
- Developing a robust framework for managing life’s uncertainties.
- Strengthening the ability to navigate challenges with agility and understanding.
Improved relationship satisfaction
- Creating a sense of fulfillment from well-nurtured connections.
- Leading to more meaningful and satisfying relationships.
- Fostering an environment where each partner feels valued and appreciated.
Applying Conscious Relationship Design in polyamory not only navigates complexities but also enriches relationships, making it a vital approach for those seeking deeper, more resilient connections.
Ethical considerations and future directions
In the realm of polyamory and CRD, ethical considerations form the foundation of all interactions. Central to this — as discussed above — are the principles of consent and mutual respect, ensuring that every relationship is built on trust and understanding.
As we look to the future, we might anticipate legal and social changes that further embrace and recognise the validity of polyamorous relationships.
The path ahead is one of continued evolution and community dialogue. What are your hopes or concerns for the future of polyamory and CRD? I’d love to hear your thoughts as we collectively ponder the future of ENM as a viable and satisfying alternative relationship model going forward.
The takeaway
In this detailed exploration of Conscious Relationship Design and polyamory, we have discussed core CRD principles: communication, negotiation, empathy, intentionality and continuous iteration. These principles help navigate the complexities of polyamory, where consent, communication, honesty and mutual respect are paramount. We have delved into the importance of communication, strategies to enhance it, and ways to overcome challenges like jealousy and societal stigma. With millions embracing polyamory, it is interesting to think about applying CRD to significantly enhance relationship satisfaction — for everyone.
If you are interested in furthering your understanding of these topics, I encourage you to join discussions, practice one or more of the CRD principles in your current relationship, or explore recommended resources like More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
What do you think?
Your insights, queries and experiences are incredibly important. Whether you’re new to the concepts discussed or have been navigating the realms of polyamory for years, I invite you to share your insights.
How do these ideas resonate with you? Have you encountered similar principles and/or challenges in your relationships? Do you have personal stories or challenges you’d like to discuss? Your contributions enrich the conversation and provide diverse perspectives that benefit us all.
Polyamory has a long history, but Conscious Relationship Design is a relatively new concept in the form it is currently being used. If you’re curious to learn more about CRD, I invite you to explore the work available on it on Medium or contact me directly. If you’d like to share your experiences using some or all of the CRD principles, please reach out.
Your perspectives are crucial in deepening our collective understanding.
Additional resources
This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.
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Comment or reach out if you’d like to share your thoughts. I look forward to hearing your perspectives and engaging in this evolving dialogue about love, relationships and the endless forms they take.
