Your “One Wild and Precious Life” — And Another?
What would you do if you had three lives? What if you already do?
There is a beautiful poem by Sarah Russell called “If I Had Three Lives” that starts:
If I had three lives, I’d marry you in two.
The other? Perhaps that life over there
at Starbucks, sitting alone, writing — a memoir,
maybe a novel or this poem. No kids, probably,
a small apartment with a view of the river,
and books — lots of books, and time to read.
The poem goes on to vividly paint that potential third life — being thinner and vegan, practising yoga, going to art films and farmers markets, wearing swingy skirts and big jewellery, taking solo vacations to the Maine coast with mornings spent walking the beach at sunrise finding perfect shells.
It’s a life of creative freedom and solitary bliss — a life that seems so alluring yet one we rarely allow ourselves.
Then at the end, there’s a wistful twist:
And I’d wonder sometimes if I’d ever find you.
The “you” is presumably her spouse, her partner, her reason for spending two of those three imagined lives together. Because even with the liberty of that third existence, there is still a longing for deep connection, for love, for intimate relationship.
This poem resonates deeply with me as it casts out the possibility, like a skipping stone across a flat, fat lake:
What if we didn’t have to pick just one life?
What if we could experience multiple lives— ones steeped in autonomy, creativity, freedom and growth, and also ones overflowing with profound intimacy, family, friendships and unions?
What if we could consciously design our relationships in ways that allow us to live out different seasons, spread our roots in separate soils, and harvest all that not one life has to offer but many?
The promise and potential of Conscious Relationship Design is just that — the chance to intentionally co-create the parameters of our bonds. To build flexible containers to hold all we yearn for — novelty and stability, personal expansion and profound intimacy.
My friend Sarah opened her partnership this way: “For two years, I’m going to pursue this intense service career that requires a lot of travel. Then after that, I’d love for us to settle down and have a child.” Her husband agreed, and they designed their connection accordingly — two years of “separate togetherness”, then a season of nesting.
When the two years were up, Sarah completed her service commitment, and they moved in together to co-create the next chapter — becoming parents. But they built in periodic windows when each could pursue solo passions and autonomy.
In my own life, I created a 20-year marriage container in which to raise a child.
Contrast this with the conventional relationship script: You meet, fall in love, move in permanently, have kids, and rarely pursue individual growth outside the container of that union. Any pulling apart is viewed as dissension, a threat to the relationship.
Conscious Relationship Design takes the radical view that your needs will naturally change over time, and that’s healthy and desirable. It creates spaciousness for those shifts, without shaming growth or independence as selfish or wrong.
Perhaps you explore ethical non-monogamy, cultivating different intimate connections that meet different needs within agreed-upon parameters. Or you live apart for extended stretches, giving each other freedom to experience other living situations and social circles, while staying deeply committed partners.
The core premise is not resisting change, but intentionally altering the relationship design to embrace each person’s evolving selfhood. You repeatedly restart the dialogue:
What are our latest desires, fears and boundaries?
How can we update our agreements to honour all parts of ourselves — both together and apart?
What new structures might allow us to explore our needs and desires?
This requires deep self-knowledge, bravery, vulnerability, emotional security and care. As the Conscious Relationship Design tenets state, you must speak your truth without fear while listening deeply to understand your loved one’s needs, desires, fears and boundaries. You must release old assumptions about what relationships “should” look like or what they have looked like in the past.
You abandon one-size-fits-all infinitely and replace it with radical co-creation unique to your personalities and life’s seasons. Perhaps designing for finite commitments, cohabiting for only defined stretches, dividing lean years from lavish ones, or befriending new emotional or physical partners and separate families of choice.
You can say to one another:
I want to be united with you in this way for this stretch of time. And for that period over there, I need to be unfettered to satiate other parts of myself.
The possibilities are infinite when you listen to and work with your — and your partner(s)’ (if you choose to have one/them) — ever-evolving complexities instead of taming them.
You get to be the writer alone on the coast and the lover enmeshed in sweet partnership. You get to be the globetrotter and the cosy homebody. You get to live your “one wild and precious life” — and another. All while being anchored in your oneness — or your chosen family — and belonging wherever you are.
We can destigmatise the idea that being in an intimate relationship means choosing one mode of being. We can be radically honest about our multitudes and shape our partnerships to embrace all our dimensions, not just the ones we’re supposed to prioritise.
The point is that we don’t default to the default just because that’s what we do: default. We take the helm — together — over how we live — how we couple — and uncouple. We treat our relating as an act of conscious co-creation, not complacent convention.
We may indeed design what looks like a conventional partnership — because that’s our deepest desire. Or we may innovate wildly new structures that achieve emotional and/or physical expansiveness while honouring profound commitments.
So extend outrageous invitations. Co-create new ways of weaving and unweaving your wild and changing selves together. Remaining anchored in the one constant — profound care for one another’s selfhoods and chosen belonging.
This is how you take authorship over your most precious bonds. Drinking deeply from all life’s vintages, sipping its wild precious offerings to the last bittersweet drop.
Is there any other way to lap up all this one wild, precious life — the one we lust after — and another — have to offer?
I think not. In my life, I aim to sip each drop, with redesigned beloved company when I can and with free spirit autonomy when I need it. Forever, I allow — no, insist — my whole self, your whole self, keep blooming.
Whether single, coupled, or in poly/non-monogamous dynamics, Conscious Relationship Design focuses on communication, empathy and iteration to understand desires and foster judgment-free dialogue. This empowers you to intentionally design and refine your relationships to nurture fulfilment and alignment with your evolving needs. Learn more here.
This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.
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