The Stories We Need to Hear
Discover the power of vulnerability and connection through the stories we need to hear; use this question to draw out meaningful stories, deepen your understanding of yourself and others and bridge the loneliness gap, one story at a time.
Stories are at the heart of what makes us human; they are our organising principles. We craft stories — always have — to make sense of the world, to give reason to our rhyme, to establish moral codes, to help us connect, to help us understand the “why” of others and our own.
Do other species craft stories to order their worlds? To amuse themselves and others? To connect? I wonder.
The US Surgeon General, Vivek Murphy, again this week warned of a loneliness crisis: he urged people and public officials to treat the matter with the same urgency as other serious conditions, such as obesity or drug abuse, as it continues to surge, affecting about half of the people living in the United States.
Stories can be a powerful way to address this issue. By sharing our stories with others, we not only build deeper connections and understanding but we also combat the isolation and disconnection that can lead to loneliness. In a world where we often feel disconnected from each other, stories can help us to remember our shared humanity and our ability to connect on a deep level. So how do we get there?
How to draw out meaningful stories
There is a particular kind of story I love. And I use this question to draw it out of others. I believe I first read about it in Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering. It goes something like this:
Tell me a story about a time you made a mistake. What happened? What came of the “mistake”? What did you learn from it?
There is one condition. It has to be a story you have never told anyone here.
A story you have never told anyone here. Therein lies the kicker.
We all have stories that we return to, that we use to define and rationalise our lives and choices — our very own “measuring out our lives in coffee spoons”, as TS Eliot would say. So nicely crafted, with a beginning, middle and end — a tidy life lesson (or warning) we can safely share with nodding disembodied heads.
But a story you have never told?
The stories of mistakes and humanness and embarrassment (and shame and guilt and fear) and learning.
The stories that make us vulnerable and break us open.
The stories we maybe haven’t even formulated until now.
Those, those are the stories we need to hear
The stories that make us vulnerable, that show a crack in our veneer, and that reveal the complexities and nuances of the human experience — those are the stories we need to hear. These stories go beyond the neat and tidy lessons we often share with others and delve into the messy, difficult, and sometimes painful realities of our lives. They are stories of mistakes, failures, and struggles, but also of resilience, growth, and transformation. By listening to these stories, we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and others, and we learn to appreciate the beauty and complexity of this human journey.
So next time you’re in a safe, close, comfortable space, turn to a friend or a partner or a colleague or a neighbor and ask them about a time that went sideways. What happened? What came of it? What did they learn?
Bonus: Do this in a group setting. You are far more likely to hear a unique and powerful story if the speaker has to find a story no one present has ever heard.
In sum …
Stories are a vital part of human culture, and they can be powerful tools for connection, empathy and understanding. By asking people to share their experiences, we can create deeper connections and build stronger relationships. So the next time you’re in a comfortable space with someone you care about — or you’re feeling alone or disconnected — try asking them to share a story about a time they went “wrong”. You might be surprised at what you learn, and how much closer you feel to the person — and how much closer the person feels to you — as a result.
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