Conscious Relationship Design: How It Works

The first in a series on how Conscious Relationship Design works in practice

Picture this — you’re at a neighborhood coffee shop grabbing your morning brew. At the next table, you overhear two people engaged in what sounds like couples therapy. But there are no tissues or rings on fingers. Instead, they’ve got sketchpads and design canvases spread across their table like architects pondering blueprints.

“… So if we map out your key emotional stressors and triggers here,” one is saying intently, sketching a timeline-looking diagram covered in sticky notes and symbols. The other nods thoughtfully, “Ah I see, that lines up with when the kids’ activities peak and I’m feeling overwhelmed at work…”

Moments like this capture the strange, fascinating idea behind Conscious Relationship Design. It’s a new discipline applying the structured principles of human-centered design to the unpredictable twists and turns of personal relationships. And it’s starting to catch on like a quirky cult trend among an eclectic band of early adopters.

Introduction

Hi, I’m Julie, a seasoned Design Thinker and the human behind Conscious Relationship Design (CRD). With years of experience in applying design principles across various domains, I also now focus on transforming personal and professional relationships through innovative design strategies.

Have you ever felt stuck in patterns or dynamics within your relationships that seem impossible to change? Or perhaps you’ve simply wished for deeper, more fulfilling connections with your loved ones, friends or colleagues? CRD offers a fresh approach to navigating and enhancing all forms of human bonds.

CRD adapts the principles of Design Thinking — a human-centred, iterative problem-solving methodology — to the intricate world of relationships. At its core, Design Thinking emphasises empathy, creative exploration and continuous refinement through testing and feedback loops.

Imagine a world where every relationship — whether with lovers, friends, family or colleagues — is consciously designed with intention and care. Where the constraints of traditional roles and expectations are replaced with a canvas of possibilities that respects individual desires for autonomy, growth and intimacy. This is not a mere fantasy; it’s made possible through the innovative practices of CRD — which has, of all things, an Application Model — a set of practical tools and exercises, which we’ll get into soon.

CRD goes beyond the romantic to touch all forms of human connections. It invites us to rethink conventional bonds, be they monogamous or polyamorous, professional or platonic, and even those as unique and complex as those within the BDSM community. By employing a design mindset, we can explore a vast array of tools and exercises to navigate and enhance these relationships, moving fluidly between divergent thinking (broad and creative exploration) and convergent actions (focused and practical execution).

This article unfolds the synergy between DT and CRD, illustrating how in future articles in this series, we will apply iterative design cycles, empathy maps, and the diverge-converge model to not just solve relationship issues but to preemptively design for deeper, more fulfilling connections. We will delve into integrating various tools — from the Opportunity Sprint to Empathy Canvas and Relationship Mapping — demonstrating their application within the CRD framework.

Are you ready to challenge the status quo and embrace a dynamic approach to your relationships? The CRD Application Model offers not just strategies, but a transformative journey that enhances communication, deepens emotional connections and fortifies bonds. Whether you’re trying to rekindle intimacy, reshape a family dynamic or innovate within your professional networks, the principles of CRD provide a robust framework for thoughtful, intentional relationship design.

Join me on this journey to reshape how we think about, design and maintain our most significant connections. Think about these practices as you start to read through them. Think about how you might begin to use them to solve — and prevent — the misunderstandings and conflicts that often arise in your most cherished relationships.

And remember, this is just the first in a series. The tools and exercises briefly discussed here will be complemented with more detail (including visuals, worksheets, quizzes, among others) in future posts.

As you embark on this journey with me, try to do so with an open mind: the tools and exercises, while profound, are designed to be fun, playful and deeply engaging. If you’re not laughing, you’re not breathing. And if you’re not breathing, well … we’ve got a serious problem.

The CRD Application Model: An overview

The CRD Application Model, which will get into more detail below, provides a structured framework for enhancing and innovating your personal and professional relationships. It adapts the core phases of Design Thinking — Empathise, Define, Ideate, Prototype, Test — to tackle the unique challenges of your relationship dynamics.

By incorporating elements from various methodologies, such as Opportunity Sprints and the Empathy Canvas, the model offers a comprehensive toolkit for understanding each other’s needs, brainstorming creative solutions, testing those solutions in real-world settings, and making iterative improvements based on feedback.

Integrating Design Thinking and other relationship tools in Conscious Relationship Design

Design Thinking is a systematic, human-centred approach to problem solving and innovation that has traditionally been applied in product design and business strategy. This methodology is especially potent in its adaptability, making it a perfect ally for the nuanced and varied world of relationships. By leveraging DT in Conscious Relationship Design, we can achieve deeper understanding, foster greater empathy and catalyse more meaningful changes in all forms of relationships — from romantic and familial to professional and beyond.

Understanding Design Thinking

Design Thinking revolves around a core set of principles — empathy with “users” (think: partners, friends, colleagues, family members, you get the picture), intuitive and logic-based reasoning, and iterative testing — which guide problem solvers through five key phases:

1. Empathise: Gaining an insightful understanding of the other person’s experiences and emotions, beyond superficial interactions.
2. Define: Pinpointing the specific relationship dynamics to design, refine, or reimagine.
3. Ideate: Generating creative ways to enter into, improve, or enhance relationships, looking beyond obvious solutions.
4. Prototype: Trying out ideas in real relationship scenarios, such as new communication methods, shared activities or boundaries.
5. Test: Testing the implemented ideas and refining them based on feedback, promoting continuous growth and adaptation.

While Design Thinking provides a robust framework, CRD incorporates additional methodologies like the Opportunity Sprint, Empathy Canvas, and Relationship Mapping to better suit the nuances of personal relationships.

Example: Sarah and Alex, a couple in their mid-thirties, struggled with communication breakdowns and misunderstandings. By using the Empathy Canvas during the Empathise phase, they could map out each other’s emotional landscapes, pinpointing triggers, comforts and stressors. This deeper insight into their partners’ inner worlds fostered greater empathy and understanding.

Diverge and converge: Balancing creativity and action

In the realm of Conscious Relationship Design, utilising Design Thinking methodologies such as Diverge and Converge processes not only enhances creativity but also ensures practicality in re-imagining relationship dynamics. This balance is critical: while it is important to explore wide-ranging possibilities, it is equally important to narrow these down to actionable strategies.

Embracing broad perspectives (Diverge)

Diverging in DT is an expansive phase that focuses on generating a multitude of ideas without immediate concern for feasibility. It’s about pushing boundaries, challenging preconceptions and exploring varied scenarios that might seem unconventional. In CRD, this is where we leverage creative thinking to uncover potential improvements or innovations within our relationships.

Relevant exercises include:

• Brainwriting: An alternative to traditional brainstorming, brainwriting prevents dominant personalities from monopolising the conversation and encourages quiet participants to contribute ideas. Each person writes down their ideas about how to design, improve or iterate the relationship, which are then passed on to the next person to expand upon, ensuring an array of input and collaborative thinking.
• How Might We (HMW) Questions: These questions are designed to open up the floor to creative thinking. For instance, “How might we enhance our communication to feel more connected?” Such questions stimulate expansive thinking and can lead to innovative solutions.
• Opportunity Sketching: Part of the Opportunity Sprint, this involves sketching out ideas or scenarios that depict potential opportunities for enhancing a relationship. These sketches can help visualise the possible dynamics, interactions or changes that might be introduced.

Focusing on practical outcomes (Converge)

Converging, on the other hand, is about refinement. It takes the broad ideas generated during the Diverge phase and sharpens them into focused, realistic plans that can be acted upon. This phase filters out the less practical ideas and hones in on the most viable solutions that can be realistically implemented to design, tweak and iterate relationships.

Methods to achieve such convergence include:

• DT Double Diamond: This framework reflects the process of divergence followed by convergence. The first diamond helps solve the right problem by understanding users’ (partner’s / friend’s / colleague’s / family member’s) needs and uncovering a variety of possible solutions (Diverge), then crystallising the actual problem statement (Converge). The second diamond generates multiple solutions (Diverge) and then refines them to a deliverable solution (Converge).

• Criteria Selection (from the Opportunity Sprint): This involves setting specific criteria that potential solutions must meet, which helps in assessing the viability of ideas generated during the Diverge phase. Criteria might include factors like feasibility, impact on relationship satisfaction, or improvement in communication efficacy.
• Dot Voting: A simple yet effective way to converge on the best ideas, dot voting allows all participants to vote on their preferred solutions among the ones developed. Each person gets a certain number of “dots” to allocate to ideas they find most compelling, which helps quickly surface the most valuable ideas to take forward.

Through these disciplined yet creative phases of Diverging and Converging, CRD applies a structured approach to navigating the complexities of relationships. By first broadening the scope of possibilities and then focusing on actionable plans, these processes ensure that relationship design is playful, innovative and pragmatic, leading to more fulfilling and resilient connections.

Example: During an Opportunity Sprint, Anna and her long-term friends explored ways to rekindle their connection after years of drifting apart. The Diverge phase allowed them to brainstorm ideas like monthly game nights, weekend getaways or even starting a joint business venture. The Converge phase then helped them narrow down to a realistic solution — a monthly potluck dinner where they could catch up and strengthen their bond.

Deepening empathy through design

Empathy is the cornerstone of both Design Thinking and Conscious Relationship Design. It entails stepping into the shoes of others — not only to see the world from their perspective but also to feel it as they do. This deep understanding is crucial for designing solutions that genuinely meet the needs of all those involved, whether in product development or in nurturing relationships.

Empathy in Design Thinking

In DT, the Empathise phase is the first and arguably most critical step in the process. It involves observing, engaging and experiencing the lives of those you are designing for to grasp their underlying needs and emotions. The goal is to set aside your own assumptions about the world in order to gain insight into your partner’s / friend’s / colleague’s / family member’s lives and their perspectives.

Highlighted exercises include:

• Empathy Maps: These are visual tools that capture knowledge about a user’s (partner’s / friend’s / colleague’s / family member’s) behaviours and attitudes. They help articulate what a person says, thinks, does, and feels — key attributes that provide insights into “users’” wants, needs and expectations. In CRD, empathy maps can help partners understand each other’s inner states and unspoken assumptions, enhancing mutual understanding.
• User Personas: These are detailed descriptions of imaginary but data-driven individuals who represent the needs of a larger group. In relationships, creating personas of each partner (in solo or partnered contexts) can help visualise others’ needs and expectations, thus personalising relationship strategies and interactions more effectively.
• Guide to You/Me/Us: This exercise involves each partner creating detailed personal guides (“Guide to Me”) that outline their preferences, needs, and how they best receive care and affection, as well as a “Guide to You” for their partner, based on observations and shared experiences. These guides help both individuals understand personal and perceived needs, highlighting areas for growth. Together, they then co-create a “Guide to Us,” which synthesises their insights into a unified framework that respects and optimises their interactions, deepening empathy and enhancing the relationship’s dynamics.

Expanding empathy tools

The application of additional tools, such as the Empathy Canvas and Relationship Mapping further enhances the ability to deepen emotional insights within relationships, extending beyond traditional DT exercises.

• Empathy Canvas: Similar to empathy maps, the Empathy Canvas is a structured template that facilitates a deeper exploration of one’s emotional and psychological landscape. It encourages reflecting on personal triggers, comforts and stressors, which can be revelatory in understanding how to support each other in a relationship context. This tool is especially useful in CRD for articulating complex emotional needs and expectations from each other, fostering a deeper connection and empathy.
• Relationship Mapping: This tool visualises the connections and dynamics between individuals within a relationship, identifying how each partner’s emotions, needs and behaviours interconnect and influence one another. It helps in pinpointing areas where misalignments occur and where support is most needed, facilitating a better understanding of the relational ecosystem. Relationship Mapping is crucial in CRD for strategising interventions that enhance empathy, reduce conflict, and foster a supportive and nurturing environment for all involved.

Practical tips for using empathy tools:

1. Active participation: Both people (or all, if there are several) should, to the extent possible, engage in filling out the Empathy Canvas and Relationship Maps. This participatory approach ensures comprehensive insights and shared understanding.
2. Regular updates: As relationships grow and evolve, so do the individuals in them. Regularly updating these tools can help track changes and adapt the relationship dynamics accordingly.
3. Use visuals: Employ diagrams, stickers or colours in Relationship Mapping to visually represent the strength, health and areas of concern within the relationship. Visual tools can make complex emotions and dynamics more comprehensible.
4. Discuss and reflect: After completing the exercises, partners should discuss their findings together. This reflection can help in recognising emotional patterns, aligning relationship goals, and making informed decisions that consider the emotional well-being of both parties.
5. Seek understanding, not agreement: The purpose of these tools is to understand each other’s perspectives and needs, not necessarily to agree on everything. Respect for each other’s views is paramount, as is the willingness to adapt when necessary.

By deepening empathy through these designed interactions, relationships can move towards more thoughtful, considerate and harmonious dynamics.

Example: Rachel and her siblings used Relationship Mapping to understand the complex web of emotions and interactions within their family dynamic. This helped them identify areas of tension, such as differing expectations around caregiving for their ageing parents, and develop strategies to address these issues with empathy and open communication.

The CRD Application Model: A Framework for Conscious Relationship Design

Detailed walkthrough

1. Empathise with each other

Practice: Understanding each other’s needs, desires, boundaries and fears deeply.

Tools to choose from:

• Empathy for the User: Exercise empathy and deep listening to understand each other’s core needs and emotional states.
• Guide to You/Me/Us: Create comprehensive profiles for You (one partner), Me (the other partner), and Us (the relationship).
• Interviews: Similar to beneficiary interviews, deeply explore each other’s personal histories and visions for the future.
• User Personas: Develop personas for each partner to encapsulate and communicate their characteristics and needs effectively.
• What Are You Into? (borrowed from Dan Savage): Discuss personal (including sexual) interests and passions to understand each other better, beyond surface-level interactions.
• 50 Questions: Use a predefined set of questions to explore a wide array of personal preferences and life desires. There are numerous resources available on line, including Yes/No/Maybe grids and the well-known 36 questions.
• Emotion Cards: These cards depict various emotions partners, friends and family members can use to express how they feel about different aspects of their relationships. This visual aid can help people, especially those who find it hard to articulate their emotions, to communicate more effectively.

2. Define relationship goals

Practice: Setting clear, mutual and individual goals based on a deep understanding of each other.

Tools to choose from:

• Mission Definition (What-How-Why): Define the mission of the relationship using the What-How-Why framework to clarify the relationship’s purpose and direction.
• Ideal Life: Describe each partner’s vision for an ideal life, both individually and as a couple.
• Future Scenario (Sprint Question): Determine what the successful realisation of relationship goals looks like in the future and decide on metrics to measure success.
• If You Could Have Any Kind of Relationship, What Would It Be? (borrowed from Dan Savage): Clearly articulate each partner’s ideal relationship scenario, helping to set relationship expectations.
• Getting to the Heart: Exploring Values: Exercises designed to help partners clarify their values and see how well these align with their relationship goals. This is critical when setting a direction for the relationship’s development.
• Compatibility Tests: Structured assessments to evaluate the compatibility of partners based on various dimensions like personality, values, life goals, etc., which can help in defining the relationship’s strengths and areas for improvement.
• Aligning Expectations: An exercise in which people share, discuss and align (or not) their expectations across a range of areas, including their wish for expansiveness or exclusivity in emotional, mental, sexual, and physical realms.

3. Ideate on practices and boundaries

Practice: Creatively thinking of practices, habits or boundaries that could build, tweak or iterate the relationship.

Tools to choose from:

• Diverge and Converge (DT Double Diamond): Implement a structured brainstorming session to explore wide-ranging ideas and then refine them.
• Brainwriting: Independently generate ideas on relationship builds, tweaks or iterations, which are later discussed and expanded collectively.
• Heatmapping Possibilities: Use visual tools to identify areas where changes or improvements could have a high impact.
• The “What If?” Game: A game where partners propose hypothetical changes in their relationship (e.g., “What if we moved to another city?” or “What if one of us changed careers?”) and discuss the potential impacts of these changes.
• HMW (How Might We) Questions: Reframe relationship challenges as opportunities to find actionable solutions.
• Opportunity Sketching: Sketch out potential improvements or practices visually to explore their potential impact and feasibility.
• Dot Voting: Utilise dot voting during the Converge phase to democratically select the best ideas to move forward with, ensuring that all voices are heard and the most favoured solutions are implemented.
• How/Now/Wow: Categorise potential relationship builds, tweaks or iterations based on their feasibility and impact.
• Scenario Planning: Involves partners creating potential scenarios about their future based on different decisions or changes in their relationship. It helps in visualizing possible outcomes and preparing for changes.
• Mind Mapping: A visual brainstorming tool that can help in expanding on ideas by showing the relationships and hierarchies between different concepts. This can be particularly useful for complex issues where multiple factors need to be considered.
• Pre-mortems: Imagining that a future event has already occurred and tracing back the steps to determine what could lead to failure. This helps in identifying potential issues and proactively addressing them.

4. Prototype solutions

Practice: Experimenting with ideas on a small scale to see how they work in practice.

Tools to choose from:

• Start, Stop, Keep: Decide on actions to start doing, stop doing, and keep doing based on the ideated builds, tweaks or iterations.
• Rapid Prototyping: Quickly implement and experiment with new practices or changes in the relationship setup.
• Paper Prototyping: Use non-digital methods like sketches or storyboards to visualise and test changes practically.
• Role Reversal Exercises: Partners swap roles in certain situations to gain an insight into the other’s perspective. This can be particularly enlightening in relationships where one partner may not understand the emotional or practical burden of certain roles or tasks.

5. Test and iterate

Practice: Regularly revisiting the implemented ideas, assessing their effectiveness, and making necessary adjustments.

Tools to choose from:

• Choose Every Day: Actively decide to consciously continue the relationship each day (or not) and refine approaches based on daily experiences of this choice.
• Feedback Loops: Structured sessions to gather feedback on what works and what doesn’t, encouraging continuous improvement.
• Iterative Design: Use feedback to make informed changes and refinements, ensuring that the relationship evolves in a positive direction. When it doesn’t, allow yourselves to re-evaluate and/or return to Step 1 (Empathise).
• Reflection Walks (alone and together, see the 12-hour walk): Partners, friends, and family members take walks separately and together to reflect on their relationships and personal feelings, providing space for individual and collective contemplation.
• Satisfaction Surveys: Regular surveys or check-ins that measure satisfaction levels across various aspects of the relationship to identify areas needing attention or improvement. This one is for the geeks (including myself) among us. 😃

Customizing the Model

The beauty of the CRD Application Model lies in its flexibility; it is designed to be adapted. Individuals and groups can customise this model to better suit their specific relationship needs by incorporating new tools or modifying existing ones. For instance, a couple might find the Empathy Canvas particularly useful for exploring deeper emotional currents and might use it repeatedly in the Empathise phase.

It is important to:

• Select tools that resonate: Choose from the toolkit those exercises and methods that most resonate with your personal situation.
• Modify tools: Adapt the tools to reflect your relationship’s unique aspects, such as blending Empathy Maps with Relationship Mapping for a more comprehensive analysis.
• Incorporate new methods: Integrate other methodologies like Narrative Therapy techniques or Mindfulness practices to enhance the model’s depth and effectiveness.

By continuously tailoring the CRD Application Model, you can ensure that it remains relevant and effective, providing ongoing support as your relationships evolve and grow. This customised approach not only fosters a deeper connection and understanding but also empowers you to proactively design your relationship journeys, lighting a path to both fulfilment and resilience in the long term for all those involved.

Iterative design: Learning and adapting together

The nature of iterative processes

Iterative design is a core principle of Design Thinking, particularly emphasised during the Prototype and Test phases. This approach is based on the idea that continuous improvements are made through repeated cycles of testing, learning and refining. Each iteration provides critical insights that enhance the solutions, making them more effective and tailored to real-world needs.

In the context of Conscious Relationship Design, the iterative process allows for gradual enhancements that adapt over time as a relationship evolves. This method is crucial because it acknowledges that relationships are dynamic; what works today may not work tomorrow, and as relationships grow, the needs and dynamics involved shift. Iteration supports these changes by facilitating flexibility and adaptability, ensuring that relationship strategies remain relevant and effective.

Applying iteration in relationships

Applying iterative design in relationships involves setting up systems to regularly assess and refine relationship dynamics. This can be instrumental in preventing misunderstandings and resolving conflicts before they escalate, fostering a healthier and more supportive relationship environment.

Example exercises include:

• Regular Relationship Check-ins: Scheduled discussions to review the relationship’s status and address any areas of concern. These check-ins encourage open communication and proactive problem-solving, allowing all partners to express satisfaction or concerns and collaboratively find solutions.
• Feedback Loops using the “What I Feel” Canvas: A tool adapted for relationships, the “What I Feel” Canvas helps partners articulate and share their emotions regarding specific aspects of the relationship. It guides the discussion on emotional responses and seeks to understand the root causes of feelings, promoting a deeper emotional connection and empathy.

These iterative practices not only help in refining relationship dynamics but also promote a culture of continuous improvement and mutual growth. By regularly using these tools, partners can ensure they move forward together, adapting to each other’s needs and the inevitable changes that come with time.

The takeaway

Through the integration of Design Thinking principles and tools like the Opportunity Sprint, Empathy Canvas, and Relationship Mapping, Conscious Relationship Design offers a powerful framework for proactively designing relationships across all areas of life. This approach empowers individuals, couples, and groups to deeply understand each other’s needs, creatively explore solutions, and iteratively refine their dynamics through structured, empathetic practices.

As an experienced Design Thinker and the founder of CRD, I guide people through these exercises both in person and on line. The process may seem complicated, but it is extremely playful, joyful, and fun — as well as deep and profound. This series, as well as the upcoming book, will delve into these practices and tools in detail, so never fear! This article was just an overview of the kinds of tools available to you in CRD.

By embracing this model, you can transform how you perceive and interact within your relationships, whether they are romantic, familial, professional or otherwise. I encourage you to utilise this diverse toolkit to design interactions that are not only fulfilling but also resilient and adaptable over time.

What do you think?

Let this first article be your stepping stone into a world where relationships are crafted with intention and care, using empathy, creativity and continual improvement as foundational pillars. How do these concepts resonate with your own experiences? Do you see a way to integrate these tools into your daily relationships, or do you perhaps feel sceptical about their practical application?

I encourage you to reach out with your thoughts, insights and even your skepticism. You can contact me directly through my Medium profile, leave a comment below, or even send an email. Your feedback is not only welcome — it’s invaluable, as it will help shape the upcoming articles in this series and make the content as relevant and practical as possible.

Are there specific challenges or dynamics within your relationships that you’d like to explore through the lens of Conscious Relationship Design? Let me know, and let’s start a conversation that could open up new pathways to understanding and improvement.

Join me on this journey, contribute your voice, and let’s collaboratively explore the vast potential of intentionally designed relationships together. What do you think? Are you ready to redesign your relational dynamics for the better?

This work is a piece from my current writing project on Conscious Relationship Design. If you’d like to read along and follow more, hit the “subscribe” button to get a notification when I publish new articles on this topic.

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